Not What I Intended

As usual, I had something completely different in mind to post, and that went Hasta as things went haywire, yet again.

You see, there has been another suicide here.

As I was told, yesterday, a nice old guy was told by his two remaining relatives that his worsening health was more than they could handle and he would need to go into a nursing home.
"Nope," he responded, then went out to his car, picked up his .38, and shot himself in the chest.

First, what the actual fuck is with these people and killing themselves in their cars??? I no longer see a car and think it looks nice or probably gets good mileage, I wonder how many have died in it?

But it brought up Bernie, who did the same thing at New Year's, and that right on the heels of the one that still has me reeling - Nichole. My friend.

For those unaware, after over 30 years of battling, valiantly  but ultimately in vain against mental illness, the Saturday morning before Christmas my friend hanged herself. I still cannot comprehend the how and why and what about... Or Bernie who had confided that it felt like the world had forgotten him. Now this one. I simply can't... I don't know how to keep functioning as if everything is normal here right now, but everyone else here seems to be. And I know they aren't the laconic uncaring bumpkins most would see. As much as I bitch about this place, and I know I do, I also realize a large part of my misery here is all on me, totally my fault. It is gorgeous at times, peaceful, laid back, cost of living is relatively dirt cheap. Some of the people are the best you could ask, and I hate it hate it hate it hate it with a black burning passion that is unswerving, and it is all me.
I have to be near water, an ocean, any ocean, no matter what color, how cold, sultry, smelly, pure, I must be near Ocean. And I did not realize how great a part of me that  was until I became mired here through the most daunting set of circumstances combined with my own weaknesses and some epic poor choices.
But I got my boys here. Geo. BratCat. Rags. My 3 hearts.
And I met Nichole here. And I lost her here. And everything hurts all over again.

I want the chance to tell someone, anyone, everyone who is considering suicide 1 simple thing. Just this:

Everyone has had some good in their life, something, if only as a measure of how horrible you feel right now. But that 1 moment that you laughed or ran or flew, were in awe of life or love or felt sheer joy at a child's laugh... something, that 1 moment when you realized how precious it was and wouldn't have missed it for the world... think about that moment, then consider - what if there are more moments like that left for you to discover? What if there are a million?? Don't miss them for the world.

Now I will do as billions before me have done, and make something for the family, the 2 survivors. It's the end of the month so money for ingredients is a huge factor, but I'll figure something out, as always. I never know what to take for a "regular" death, whatever that is. I must have missed the Emily Post of Appropriate Mourning Foods For Family of a Suicide.