Congratulations, It's a Divorce!!

No, not mine. Yet. A couple I've known on fb since before they were a couple, met, married, and now barely a few years later have announced they are divorcing and she is moving back to where she was before they married. 
Hint: foreign country to the North
So, yeah, they went through a metric ton of paperwork, and bullshit to be together. And now it's ending, and I'm actually sad for them, regardless of how much I loathe the concept of marriage. I do not believe a piece of paper from any agency be it religious or government makes anyone's union more or less valid, and all it does it fuck things up if it doesn't work. But enough about the way things should be.
Thing is, nobody knew they were having trouble. I mean nobody. They told no one of thousands of friends and relatives. I applaud the hell out of that. It is really difficult to ignore the temptation to blurt out your mess to hopefully sympathetic and supportive friends. I should know. Immediately when I began having problems I shut the hell up publicly about anything to do with it. I see all these people getting fired, or having fb used as a damn witness in court, and realized I don't need that kind of hassle in addition to everything else in my life.
I do not mention my realtionship, lack or presence of, nor do I mention anything which could get me or anyone else arrested. Any illegalities are all from expired statutes of limitation or I've served the time, paid the fine, sentence discharged, thank you very much.
They said nothing. That is smart, and it is classy, because they also did not put the burden of a failing marriage on friends. Hell, when they announced it yesterday, they didn't even put the burden on each other! They each claimed/accepted blame for their own parts in it all 
Classy.
Not like most people.

The other side of the coin is those couples who let it all out, and I mean things no one else should ever know. I'm sitting there with popcorn watching my newsfeed, clicking refresh every few minutes because of my shitty connection, screaming, "WHAT HAPPENED THEN??? WHAT DID THE NEIGHBOR'S HUSBAND SAY WHEN HE FOUND ALL 3 OF YOU IN BED??? DAMN MY NET!!"

Then, there's the other couple. Married 35 years, planning an anniversary outing, and they warm the single tiny almost dead cockle of my shriveled black heart. Their love and respect for each other shines. I love these people, and what they have found with and in each other. I do not doubt a single iota for them it is truly, "Til death do us part," and it's, "As Simple As That."

But for me, it's just another excuse to eat cake. Yes, divorce cakes are huge now. Although I did not get cake for my birthday, this past Monday. Nobody thought I might want a birthday cake, much less the right cake. So shortly before midnight, I broke down and stuck a candle in a pumpkin spice minimuffin, and made my wish.

I need this one to come true.

***On the next post: a unique gift I received and hopefully a few words with its creator!**

Not What I Intended

As usual, I had something completely different in mind to post, and that went Hasta as things went haywire, yet again.

You see, there has been another suicide here.

As I was told, yesterday, a nice old guy was told by his two remaining relatives that his worsening health was more than they could handle and he would need to go into a nursing home.
"Nope," he responded, then went out to his car, picked up his .38, and shot himself in the chest.

First, what the actual fuck is with these people and killing themselves in their cars??? I no longer see a car and think it looks nice or probably gets good mileage, I wonder how many have died in it?

But it brought up Bernie, who did the same thing at New Year's, and that right on the heels of the one that still has me reeling - Nichole. My friend.

For those unaware, after over 30 years of battling, valiantly  but ultimately in vain against mental illness, the Saturday morning before Christmas my friend hanged herself. I still cannot comprehend the how and why and what about... Or Bernie who had confided that it felt like the world had forgotten him. Now this one. I simply can't... I don't know how to keep functioning as if everything is normal here right now, but everyone else here seems to be. And I know they aren't the laconic uncaring bumpkins most would see. As much as I bitch about this place, and I know I do, I also realize a large part of my misery here is all on me, totally my fault. It is gorgeous at times, peaceful, laid back, cost of living is relatively dirt cheap. Some of the people are the best you could ask, and I hate it hate it hate it hate it with a black burning passion that is unswerving, and it is all me.
I have to be near water, an ocean, any ocean, no matter what color, how cold, sultry, smelly, pure, I must be near Ocean. And I did not realize how great a part of me that  was until I became mired here through the most daunting set of circumstances combined with my own weaknesses and some epic poor choices.
But I got my boys here. Geo. BratCat. Rags. My 3 hearts.
And I met Nichole here. And I lost her here. And everything hurts all over again.

I want the chance to tell someone, anyone, everyone who is considering suicide 1 simple thing. Just this:

Everyone has had some good in their life, something, if only as a measure of how horrible you feel right now. But that 1 moment that you laughed or ran or flew, were in awe of life or love or felt sheer joy at a child's laugh... something, that 1 moment when you realized how precious it was and wouldn't have missed it for the world... think about that moment, then consider - what if there are more moments like that left for you to discover? What if there are a million?? Don't miss them for the world.

Now I will do as billions before me have done, and make something for the family, the 2 survivors. It's the end of the month so money for ingredients is a huge factor, but I'll figure something out, as always. I never know what to take for a "regular" death, whatever that is. I must have missed the Emily Post of Appropriate Mourning Foods For Family of a Suicide.

The answer is...Yes!

Let's talk about sex, baby... really. Let's talk about sex, sports, the price of watermelons, the decline of traditions in the world of stamp collecting, anything but religion.
I just lost another friend on fb, because I refused to "discuss" (read: allow someone to pontificate at me) my religious (don't have any) or spiritual (Strong) beliefs. Isn't that I don't care about spirituality of any sort, but to me, religion is far more personal than mere copulation habits.
Think about it.
You can have sex with anyone. It may suck but it can be achieved. Sex is merely something that happens to a temporary shell you inhabit at worst, but your spirit? Man, that is forever. You can't have religion or spirituality with just anyone. Try it. Walk up to a stranger in a bar, buy 'em a drink, then try to religion with them and see if an assault charge doesn't become part of the package.
And when you drop a bombshell like having your relgious belief be closer to what many presume is witchcraft, it's All Hail The Bondsman! Am I a good witch or a bad witch? Blow me. I'm both! Because everyone is both good and bad, weak and strong, so if you have to classify everyone's private beliefs (and really, that says far more about you than them) then I don't need you around. I don't mind a hearty calm or even impassioned discussion, but when judgement and mandatory classification comes into it, I'll take a pass.

So I don't talk about religion. I try not to talk politics, but have to use every opportunity to remind people:

It does not matter if you don't like Hills, suck it up buttercup, and vote Anti-TrumpChump and his Synchronized Ego Dancers!

You're on my list, and my heart valve

HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!

Dear Canada, Happy Birthday!! 
Ok, I've no idea what Canada Day is, its history, traditions, or protocols. Unlike most 'Muricans I *am* actually aware that there *are* other countries other than the ubiquitous "Them." 
I'm simply holiday impaired. My holidays are notoriously on the scale of MondaySuckethⁿ so I've fairly well blocked most thing about all holidays. I'm fine with that.
I know the 4th of July is this week, and that it is American Independence Day, well done Will Smith. 
Seriously, for the longest time I thought it celebrated the day when America moved out of England & into its own place, stopped getting an allowance, found its first job, and grabbed really crappy furniture and a booming sound system for parties. Ok, that may not be too far off the mark there. 
Regardless, my ignorance of your... bar mitzvah? No? Well, your WHATEVER SPECIAL THING DAY, shouldn't say I don't care. I do. I'm holiday impaired. 
Congratulations on your vasectomy??? Sigh....

Great booze though!!

Now, the about me stuff.
Many know I had open heart surgery (valve & double bypass) for my birthday (WHOOHOOO PARTY!! Although the birthday colonoscopy of '98 was also a blast. Literally. If you or someone you know has had one, you know what I mean) in 2014. Everything about the surgery and my recovery went swimmingly after the initial hell and if not for a friend the day after surgery I would have just let go but after that spiffy, I thought. Routine checkups showed my superhealing ability at its finest, then 2 weeks ago, I got a call from my cardiothoracic surgeon. The mechanic who installed the valve. He suddenly needed to see me 15 months ahead of schedule, and was going to drive an hour and a half to get to me, rather than having me come in.

Terror. Something is wrong with my valve. I can't go through yet another surgery right now, coming off of brain surgery and chemo and 2 rounds of cyberknife!!

I tried calling him, calling and emailing the manufacturer of my valve, got nowhere except:
"Our legal department requires we advise you to consult your doctor."
Truly not comforting at all. Wait the week in panic/terror/dread then the morning of the appointment - emergency surgery and he can't make it. Up to his elbows in someone's chest. Been there, gotcha, not quick procedures - mine was 17.5 hrs. So, reschedule for... this morning. 
But. Brat started coughing gasping choking, so no way in hell I was leaving him. I called and to my amazement got to him. 
"My baby needs me. Not going to make it and don't care, tell me whatever now so I can go do steamies and help him breathe, or send me a letter."
He clearly understood that you don't mess with a mama and sick furkid. 
"There have been some recalls of heart valves-"
"I know. The point? What am I facing?"
"Nothing, we think. I wanted to reassure you that the modifications we made to your valve-"
"WHOA. What modifications and why am I just now hearing this???"
Turns out they had told me but I was heavily sedated and have no memory of it. They realized the off-the-line valve had some problems, so he "tinkered with it before putting it in," and thinks there will be no problem with the adapted model I have. If there was going to be it would have been in the first 36 hours, he believes.
"So you scared me to death and stressed me unbelievably for 2 weeks in order to reassure me??? Nice job. I feel warm and tingly."

CLICK

My chemo results

What is the first question you should ask of anyone when you begin a new relationship? You would think it is about income, pets, allergies, prior relationships, family... wait, back up one. Yes, prior relationships. No, oddly it isn't, "Are you married?" It isn't about a flute in bandcamp, whether it's cheating if it's your dog, that one special night at a sleepover, prison love, or any other ewwww moments. Ask, "Am I married???"
I am acquainted with a couple who have been a disaster together from the start, and never should have even been in the same zip code. They finally stopped fighting long enough to agree about 1 thing - they should divorce immediately. Little problem arose, though, in listing assets to be shared or reinstated solely to the one who brought it into the marriage. They discovered he was still married, that his ex wife lied and said she had filed. Excuse me, the person he said he couldn't trust so was divorcing her lied about the divorce and you're suprised?? Better check to see if you, through him, are liable for any of her shenanigans over the years, because it looks like she has quite the record for bad checks, drugs, driving while suspended... ha ha what a loser, right, you would never be so reckless as to leave your fate to someone like that! Just for fun, let's pull up your divorce to show him what a real divo...waitaminit. You aren't divorced either!! You left it up to your loser ex?? Oh, he told you he filed...
So yes, this married, about to divorce couple are married to others. I have no idea the legal ramifications if this, I don't pretend to know. I would think the 2nd marriage would be null and the 1st should be ended legally, completely, immediately. And neither should ever marry again.
Are you married? Am I? Yeah, those are now on the list.
But back to my chemo results. They are pretty sure they got it all between 2 surgeries, 2 rounds of cyberknife zappage, and 1 round of chemo. It's impossible to use any imaging except standard xrays on me because of all the metals in my body but they are fairly certain, and will carefully monitor me in the future for any symptoms or signs of regrowth.
"You have an adenoma of the pituitary gland, and we can't be sure exactly how extensive it is." Those are words I hope nobody ever has to hear, ever again. And to the 7 of my chemo session whom we lost along the way, I am so damned sorry. I won't forget you. And, selfishly, I'm so damned glad it wasn't me.

Cinco de Cuervo?

If you do not know what this holiday is about, don't try to claim you are celebrating it. If you just know it as an excuse to get toasted and do obscene things, like dance in public when you have no rhythm, then call it what it is:

Cinco de Cuervo

However, if you don't know but care, here is why this is a day to celebrate:
The date is observed to commemorate the Mexican Army's unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862, under the leadership of General Ignacio Zaragoza.
Although not a major strategic win in the overall war against the French, Zaragoza's success at Puebla represented a great symbolic victory for the Mexican government and bolstered the resistance movement.
The Puebla victory came to symbolize unity and pride for what seemed like a Mexican David defeating a French Goliath. It helped establish a much-needed sense of national unity and patriotism. The victory represented a significant morale boost to the Mexican army and the Mexican people at large.
SIGH
Okay, let me put it this way... this victory was to Mexico, what the entire Revolutionary War was for America. Still nothing? Okay, think putting your last $10 on a 100/1 longshot in the last race of the season to be able to keep your house from going into foreclosure and the longshot wins!
Still not really registering? Oh, well. I tried.
Oh! Got it! Julia Roberts was married to Lyle Lovett!!
Closer? 
Right.
Drink a lot of tequila and dance in public.

Bet they thought we wouldn't see it coming

I was listening to the radio this morning, because I haven't learned my lesson, and only half listened to the morning patter until 2 words registered as part of the same sentence - Solstice and million. I dropped what I was holding and ran... yeah, I was holding Brat and helping him through another coughing fit. I didn't drop him but I did begin to pay attention. What I heard was not part of some clever sketch. Iceland is apparently holding a Secret Solstice Festival cum concert and the price is $1,000,000 USD. Per ticket which allows 6 people.

I had to do some research on this. It's true. According to one site:

Here’s some of what this one-of-a-kind luxe festival ticket includes:

• Private chartered business jet (Gulfstream G300 or similar) return to Iceland from any destination on Earth for six people
• 24/7 access to two luxury cars, personal drivers, and private security for the entire week in Iceland
• Luxury 6-room villa for 7 nights in the center of Reykjavík over the Secret Solstice 2016 festival week
• Exclusive admittance to Secret Solstice 2016 for six people, including chaperoned access to off-limits areas of the festival site where possible
• Access to the sold out Secret Solstice presents Inside The Volcano event, the world’s first concert inside a volcano over the Secret Solstice 2016 weekend, including helicopter transfers from Reykjavík

A mil, you say? Dang, left it in my other pants. In a previous incarnation 

A mil for what boils down to a concert I don't care about and a hotel room with sheets that will smell funny to me, to have a close up view of something that is in my essence anyway? Pass. For a mil Johnny Depp, Sam Elliot, Angelina Jolie, Baryshnikov & Tim Conway (my quirk, ignore it) better be waiting naked with a vat of absinthe.

But I have a theory.

Here's what I think happened:

A bunch of Canadians were sitting around a frozen something, trying to think of a way to get back at Americans for being, erm, very American, let's say. 1 of the Canucks (Canuks? Is that even allowed? I'm never sure when it's racist to refer to one's nationality by saying their, uhm, nationality) says, "I got an idea, eh? We have all this ice and cold here, we're pretty far north, and most Americans are scarily ethnocentric, yet seem to have a lot of things we want. We need to take over their place, and here's how....festival. Solstice is coming up, we say we're somewhere else, like, I dunno, Iceland. Who's gunna know after we take their money and fly them here, open the door of the plane and there is snow everywhere, eh? We raise a mooseload of cash, use that to fund our own candidates for their Presidency, because anybody is better than what they have up this time... It could work, eh??"

I have no idea if they really say things like that. The last time I was in Canada was 1976, for the Bicentennial. Yep, my oh so patriotic family went to Canada to celebrate America's 200th. It seemed to make some sort of sense at the time. Moving on. 

So he says that, or not, and between the drinking, making that great pizza topping, dodging moose, and putting mayo on everything, they hatch a cunning plan.

President Trebek and Vice President Short 

2016

It's Time, America, eh?

Chicken, chemo, and tunes

This is another one of those things that happened in my life and even I find it hard to believe. I almost feel like I should start it with the old, "Once upon a time..."
But no.
This is more me.

No shit, this really happened....
I was at my chemo session today (😥) and they play whatever music the majority of those in the center like, usually classic rock when my group is there. KTGL is advertising a concert by the group Chicago, and have a completely annoying, makes my shoulders creep up to try to cover my ears, spine tries to melt so I can slither away and not hear it, I want to choke someone commercial. It is one of the air personalities saying, not even chanting, slowly saying:
"Chicken. In. The. Car. And. The. Car. Won't. Go. That's. How. You. Spell. Chicago."
I. Want. To. Kill. Him.
I have been hearing it for a few weeks now, being slowly pushed to the brink of a homicidal spree, but apparently I was the only 1 who had heard it before today.
Those people lost their damn minds!
"That is the dumbest way to advertise a rock concert!!!"
"What moron can spell 'chicken' but needs a rhyme to spell fucking 'Chicago???'"
"I like Chicago and now I can't go to that concert because of that stupid commercial!!"
I listened to the rants, then calmly asked, "Has no one else ever been bothered that there is poultry in a vehicle in a childrens' skip rope chant?"
"OH MY GOD SHE'S RIGHT THERE'S A FREAKIN' CHICKEN IN A CAR THAT IS BROKEN DOWN IN ILLINOIS!"
"That just never made sense to me, and now this guy..."
And off we all went randomly bitching about a kids' chant, when an amazing thing happened.
A song came on. "Dog and Butterfly," by Heart. One by one we all calmed, the two who were too busy puking to join the conversation slowly stopped their individual heaving. The conversation dwindled, and by the end of the song nearly everyone in there, patients and techs alike, was smiling. It is a remarkable gift that music can give, and that song... yeah, you know, that one. How long has it been since you heard it? You should pop over to YouTube, or your ipod, or radio app, whatever, but listen to it again. See if you don't feel better.
I do, even if it is just for a little while, and may not even kill that voiceover guy. Not today, anyway.

Shhhhhh

I received the following plea in my mailbox:

Vicat, I read something of yours about a man who just would not stfu and I have the same problem with my husband Burt. He talks all the time, to himself, or grunts, or makes random weird noises, or sings badly and the wrong lyrics. Anything to avoid silence and it's driving me insane! What did you do??

First of all, Never do what I do. I do not recommend most things I would even consider as anything near what anyone else should even try. I get the most comments stating if I didn't have photos and witnesses/documentation to some of the things that happen to me, nobody would believe it. As I once exclaimed in yet another Only Me situation, "Bullshit! That doesn't really happen to anybody!" But it did, to me, of course.
That being said, this is an easy fix.

Dear Burt,
I am aware that you have a great fear that if you shut your mouth, your brain will begin functioning and that can be a very scary thing, particularly for the rest of us. But I assure you, someone such as yourself should have no fear at all on that account. You're safe. So shut the fuck up and allow your dear family a little peace and quiet before your loving wife ends up on "Snapped," and your kids end up in the care of that weird relative you always forget to invite to family functions but who shows up anyway. Yeah, you don't want them being raised by him. Srsly, SHUT THE FUCK UP.  You'll be okay.

I preform all kinds of public service. I'm a giver.

Evil never dies

"Just when I thought I was out..."

Candy Crush 3. This damn game owns me, and I hate the thing. It makes me feel stupid, even though according to all the IQ tests I've ever taken I'm an off-the-charts genius, am well read, highly educated, and am generally smarter than the average bear. I also have my dumbass side, and my goofball aspect, and I suspect these 2 are in charge whenever I play. But I have to play, because it's an addiction in the truest sense - I don't even like it anymore but I have to play, because of 1 person.
He is an idiot.
I have known him for many years, and he is a kind, generous, considerate, very nice person but he is not smart. And he zooms through these things like a cheetah on crack, leaving a trail of high scores.  I realize that people think in different ways, that those who are more creative than logical don't do as well in this sort of thing, but oddly, I'm exactly 50/50 on the right/left brain scale. So I should be able to beat his score on at least one level, right?
The idiot is a Jelly savant.
And I'm not the kind of person who can just let this go, and be happy for him. I have to beat one of those high scores. I'm petty. And I'm fine with that.
But if they come out with Candy Crush 4, it should be named Soul Crusher.

Orbit Sweet Mint gum squeaks the first minute or so you chew it. Just thought you should be forewarned, in case you pop a piece in your mouth right before entering a situation where quiet is the decorum. Sure wish someone had mentioned it to me last week before I had that appointment...

And today my nephew, the last of his generation, is getting married. I actually like the girl. She is smart, funny, and I get the impression she will take zero shit from anyone. Reminds me of someone I know, she said modestly. But I can't go to the wedding, or anywhere else for that matter, since I'm not up to travel. And missing this... yeah, this one hurts. I am anti-marriage, personally. I find it an odd ritual that basically says, "I love you so much if you ever try to leave me it will take a government sanction and possibly law enforcement involvement before I'll let you go."

 But to Jason and Sydney - All the best of life, always.

Just say NO to the goat

I have a ton of work to catch up since my phone died and it took 3 days to get a replacement, and everyone knows this, so, of course, everyone was blowing up my phone with sidca (shit I don't care about for noobs), so I turned off the volume & notifications to allow me to work without the distractions.
Who can guess what happened next?

Oh, everyone but me.
Well someone should have told me I would fall straight to sleep for 10 hours. Spent the first 2 hours this morning apologizing/groveling to clients. Now, I have World's Most Interrupted Net because 80 fricking trains are going through since they were backed up for several hours to allow one of the special trains to go through, but shhhh, it's a big secret nobody knows.
Snort
Excuse me, when a normal train goes through you don't stop all rail traffic for hours each way, and every single car and engines aren't painted identically in olive drab.
But, that allowed me time to write then read then rewrite this. Why? Because the stoopy tumor is regrowing so again everything I type looks like World's Weirdest Auto Correct and even I can't translate what I thought I typed from what I actually typed. Or maybe I mean the other way around? Well, you know what I mean. Maybe.
Anyway, back on point, I'm against bestiality. I can't imagine how horrible life must be for an animal to be so driven by hormonal urges that they would sink so low as to have sex with a human.
As for the alleged humans:

• No, it isn't consensual if she or he is of legal age
• She or he isn't asking for it or just being a tease
• I don't care if she "was real purty"

Stop having sex with animals and stupid people.

Mistakes have been made

The internet has ruined The Beatles for me. I hear, Ticket to Ride, and all I can think of is that kitty on a chicken. While My Catar Gently Sleeps. You get it.
Speaking of things that are bad for the internet, I made a huge mistake yesterday, when I responded to a message on social media, taking me to task for...pretty much everything.

RabidX: you say you hate the man you married and are seeking divorce, to put asunder what THE LORD has joined, but what would you say if he died tomorrow????

Moi: I'm going with, "Whew, glad that's over!"

RabidX: how DARE you go against GOD'S wishes!!!

Moi: Look, I don't presume to speak for your diety or anyone else's, but I'm pretty sure no god worth a prayer wants me or any other woman to be some sociopathic's punching bag. When you've had teeth punched out, black eyes, broken bones, and been in a hospital fighting for your life after open heart surgery to have a meth head bust in and scream at you because he is out of drugs, then talk to me about what anybody else wants from me. Until then, thanks for your opinion.

So now I'm being bombarded in emails by the marriage crowd. I know better than to even answer some people, but we all make mistakes. Like Trump, speaking of delusional sociopaths. We've made a mistake allowing him to go this far, because nobody in any position of power wants to risk pissing off someone with a lot of money. It's bad for business. But what else is bad for business is allowing someone with no sense of compassion or empathy into arguably the 3rd most powerful position on the planet - the 2nd being Pope, and the 1st is clearly the guy who inspects everyone's underwear then puts those little tags in that says, "I played with your panties, #8." That guy creeps me out, but he is everywhere!

Cake and inappropriate hairs

Cake. Cake cake cake cake tasty tasty cake.
I heard this woman holding forth about "inappropriate cake." That's what she called it. She was referring to "obscene" images and "filthy writing" in frosting.
Well, was is tasty? If so, eat it! Problem solved. You're welcome.
What the hell is an "inappropriate cake" anyway? When is cake not appropriate?
I don't care if it's shaped like a set of testicles, and says, "I HOPE YOU DIE OF ASS ROT/HAPPY RETIREMENT FROM THE WHOREHOUSE"," if it's cake and tasty, I'm eating it. Problem solved. You're welcome.
Right this minute? Taking a bite of quadruple chocolate cake, with a tall glass of milk. Cake - it does a body good. And I did have healthy other food for dinner, so don't even start. Cake.

Hair? Oh, yes. Remember being excited about getting hair in new places when you were a naive young pubescent, then spent the next 40 years trying to remove it until you noticed it was starting to go away, and were relieved? Right. Hold on to that thought. Sometimes it comes back again.
I know.
I found a hair in an inapproriate place, and it is driving me nutso. No, worse than usual. Okay it's very frustrating, then. No, I won't say where... Amsterdam, why does it matter? Stop interrupting! Anyway, I found one where there shouldn't be any, and immediately plucked it. It came back. I plucked again, making sure to get the follicle. It came back. I depilitoried, shaved, plucked, waxed, had an exorcism, and it keeps coming back. And it's white. Not grey, not light brown, not blonde, but freaking white. I believe it has tapped into the Mother Hair Root, somewhere. Maybe I can get a grant to launch an expedition to discover the secret location of the Mother Hair Root, and destroy it. Possibly funded by Gillette.
Finding a hair in a cake would be inappropriate.