Shhhhhh

I received the following plea in my mailbox:

Vicat, I read something of yours about a man who just would not stfu and I have the same problem with my husband Burt. He talks all the time, to himself, or grunts, or makes random weird noises, or sings badly and the wrong lyrics. Anything to avoid silence and it's driving me insane! What did you do??

First of all, Never do what I do. I do not recommend most things I would even consider as anything near what anyone else should even try. I get the most comments stating if I didn't have photos and witnesses/documentation to some of the things that happen to me, nobody would believe it. As I once exclaimed in yet another Only Me situation, "Bullshit! That doesn't really happen to anybody!" But it did, to me, of course.
That being said, this is an easy fix.

Dear Burt,
I am aware that you have a great fear that if you shut your mouth, your brain will begin functioning and that can be a very scary thing, particularly for the rest of us. But I assure you, someone such as yourself should have no fear at all on that account. You're safe. So shut the fuck up and allow your dear family a little peace and quiet before your loving wife ends up on "Snapped," and your kids end up in the care of that weird relative you always forget to invite to family functions but who shows up anyway. Yeah, you don't want them being raised by him. Srsly, SHUT THE FUCK UP.  You'll be okay.

I preform all kinds of public service. I'm a giver.