Booze Rules

I've posted this, in some format, on furbook, but this is an expanded version.
What qualifies me? A lifetime of experience. I have performed, without a net, for decades in the Professional Level, to the point where I am no longer qualified for the drunklympics.
Cuervo wants me to lend my name to ads, now that they have determined I am not wholesaling.
Since '89 the Bud distributer has sent me clothing saying my boobs & rep behind the name is good for business.
So here we go!

• Don't drink sugary booze. The sugars lend to hangovers, when metabolizing. If the only booze you can stand is sweet? Don't drink. Same with mixers, if they aren't pure juice. Don't like the taste? Don't drink.
• Hydrate. 1 bottle of water for every 4 oz. of alchohol. I once had a waitress at the now defunct (moment of silence) Fitzgerald's in Reno mention, "I notice you never seem drunk but you drink an assload (legitimate measurement term) of stingers (always a serious proposition for non-pros, and my fallback drink for cold weather), is it the water?" Yes. Yes it is.
• Food does not "sober you up." It allows a slower window for the booze to affect you. Same for coffee, except it also gives you greater awareness of the consequences of your drunkeness.
• No matter what, save 2, and exactly 2, of whatever you were drinking the night before. Choke them down immediately the next morning. Keep them down and you will be able to function the next day, pre 1st lunch beverages.
• Do not drink craft beers. Except Big Wave, Red Stripe, Old Peculiar if you must drink beer, stick with the basics, and no, cheaper has no bearing, it only means more for the money but usually passes through without time to have as much effect. Translation - if you piss it out before it buzzes you it does no good 
• Take 3 aspirin with water before passing out. This is not a myth. Hangovers are caused by dehydration which causes swelling of the brain and neurological system. Inflammation is caused by dehydration.
• If you misjudge your intake v capacity, and must yark, for fucks sake, make it interesting. Yarking off a balcony onto a parade during Mardi Gras thus inciting a riot - twice - is acceptable; ruining your cute date's Cole Hahn's are not.
• Wine is an entire other subject.