Shhhhhh

I received the following plea in my mailbox:

Vicat, I read something of yours about a man who just would not stfu and I have the same problem with my husband Burt. He talks all the time, to himself, or grunts, or makes random weird noises, or sings badly and the wrong lyrics. Anything to avoid silence and it's driving me insane! What did you do??

First of all, Never do what I do. I do not recommend most things I would even consider as anything near what anyone else should even try. I get the most comments stating if I didn't have photos and witnesses/documentation to some of the things that happen to me, nobody would believe it. As I once exclaimed in yet another Only Me situation, "Bullshit! That doesn't really happen to anybody!" But it did, to me, of course.
That being said, this is an easy fix.

Dear Burt,
I am aware that you have a great fear that if you shut your mouth, your brain will begin functioning and that can be a very scary thing, particularly for the rest of us. But I assure you, someone such as yourself should have no fear at all on that account. You're safe. So shut the fuck up and allow your dear family a little peace and quiet before your loving wife ends up on "Snapped," and your kids end up in the care of that weird relative you always forget to invite to family functions but who shows up anyway. Yeah, you don't want them being raised by him. Srsly, SHUT THE FUCK UP.  You'll be okay.

I preform all kinds of public service. I'm a giver.

Evil never dies

"Just when I thought I was out..."

Candy Crush 3. This damn game owns me, and I hate the thing. It makes me feel stupid, even though according to all the IQ tests I've ever taken I'm an off-the-charts genius, am well read, highly educated, and am generally smarter than the average bear. I also have my dumbass side, and my goofball aspect, and I suspect these 2 are in charge whenever I play. But I have to play, because it's an addiction in the truest sense - I don't even like it anymore but I have to play, because of 1 person.
He is an idiot.
I have known him for many years, and he is a kind, generous, considerate, very nice person but he is not smart. And he zooms through these things like a cheetah on crack, leaving a trail of high scores.  I realize that people think in different ways, that those who are more creative than logical don't do as well in this sort of thing, but oddly, I'm exactly 50/50 on the right/left brain scale. So I should be able to beat his score on at least one level, right?
The idiot is a Jelly savant.
And I'm not the kind of person who can just let this go, and be happy for him. I have to beat one of those high scores. I'm petty. And I'm fine with that.
But if they come out with Candy Crush 4, it should be named Soul Crusher.

Orbit Sweet Mint gum squeaks the first minute or so you chew it. Just thought you should be forewarned, in case you pop a piece in your mouth right before entering a situation where quiet is the decorum. Sure wish someone had mentioned it to me last week before I had that appointment...

And today my nephew, the last of his generation, is getting married. I actually like the girl. She is smart, funny, and I get the impression she will take zero shit from anyone. Reminds me of someone I know, she said modestly. But I can't go to the wedding, or anywhere else for that matter, since I'm not up to travel. And missing this... yeah, this one hurts. I am anti-marriage, personally. I find it an odd ritual that basically says, "I love you so much if you ever try to leave me it will take a government sanction and possibly law enforcement involvement before I'll let you go."

 But to Jason and Sydney - All the best of life, always.